The secret is out. Now that my life is officially an open book, the world (I have friends on six continents) knows that I am not Wonder Woman. It is an image I struggled for a long time to preserve, but with the publication of Any Color but Beige: Living Life in Color I have given up that struggle. And I feel the lighter for it.
I didn’t intend to write a memoir and I certainly didn’t mean to bare my soul to strangers. Because up until recently, I have often said that I would rather chew broken glass than admit to any vulnerability. Ah, vanity!
On the surface I was calm, cool and confident as I shrugged off life’s slings and arrows, like some superhero in a movie. I’ve traveled the world for my job, lived abroad in some very nice cities and had a romantic life that was ripped from the pages of a Harlequin romance novel. It made for some sparkling conversation over cocktails with the girls for whom I put on my game face and pretended that my life was perfect.
But it wasn’t. The truth was I was in a blue funk nursing a broken heart and I didn’t know what to do about it. So I started to write. I poured my heart onto the page because I wouldn’t allow myself to cry. All of the emotion I felt went into my writing, and slowly I began to get my bearings.
Before I knew it, I had 200 pages of perspective. Having gone that far, I sent it off to a freelance editor for an evaluation. The minute I pushed “Send,” I felt a rush of embarrassment. What did I just do? I asked. I’ve sent 200 pages of total nonsense to a complete stranger. I was mortified. It took a month before I heard back from her and each time I thought about it, I’d squirm a little bit in my skin.
Much to my surprise, the evaluation came back positive and with it a long list of recommendations, one of which was to create a blog based on my experiences. The blog helped me build an audience for my book and hone my voice. It also helped me to get over some of the awkwardness I felt when writing about my experiences. I soon learned that what I had to say resonated with readers.
The blog was good practice for writing the final version of the book. Through it, I got used to gradually exposing me and my life. Because the blog preceded the publication of my memoir, and chronicled my life, it felt a lot like the gradual opening of rose – one petal at a time. At its core lay the sweet essence of my book.
Now when I think about the book, I think about the authenticity of its story. Now, rather than feel embarrassed, I feel relieved at having shared it. I used to think I was alone in my experiences. So many people have told me that they have found themselves on its pages that I realize the feelings of love and loss, happiness and disappointment and, most importantly, optimism are universal. And feelings are always better when they’re shared.
Photo: © iStockphoto.com/olandesina
Cafe Girl Chronicles 
Well said. It’s nice to know how the “oeuvre” was conceived, and this is a very encouraging story for emerging writers. I suspect all writers feel vulnerable when they let their words out into the world for the first time. We are all one…
Thanks Lorrie and to add to that, we are all one and we are not alone. And that is a comforting thought.
but perhaps the nature of life is precisely that to struggle, to try, to take a step back sometime and then to sally fortth again…it is the sacred act of loving life…perhaps
Well said Zen…its in the trying that we truly succeed.
I love that I’ve gotten to know you through your book. Before, I saw you as someone I’d never really relate to (which didn’t stop me from reading your adventures) because you seem so cosmopolitan (I’m pretty plain). Now, I see you as a friend–an efriend. I love it.
Thanks Jacqui, I feel the same about our evolving friendship. And you’re right…I had this “image” thing I thought I had to live up to. You hit the nail on the head and looks can be deceiving – I like to think I’m “every woman” with a few more frequent flier miles. I would never consider you plain – I consider you very solid and sure and beacon or lighthouse to those of us who are destined to remain in transit. How can we find a safe harbor or clear runway without friends like you?
It’s a big thing to let the world see who we really are. But so freeing to be ourselves and be ok with it. Congratulations. I look forward to reading your book.
I haven’t felt this light in years. Thanks for your kind words. I look forward to your feedback on the book.
Publishing a book has been, for me, an act of sharing a person that I used to be. The very act of publishing seems to suggest an end because “we”–the narrative voice–are now locked in our words, locked in time. Our individual narrative is constantly shifting and changing based on new experiences, but the person on the page can no longer partake in that organic evolution. The blog offers a chance to bridge the published word and the unfolding of our narrative. At least that is how I have come to think of it…
It’s true, when I typed “The End” I knew that was it. Finished. And then you think now what? And I was starting to feel stuck there for a while worrying about getting on with a second book. How long it would take? Would readers wait? Your bridge metaphor puts it all into perspective. Whew! It couldn’t have come at a better time. You’re right, the blog continues the evolution of the story and serves to fill in the gaps until such time as the next narrative is concluded…after all these (books) are just chapters in a never ending story.